Crushes Are a Weak Foundation for Friendship

So here we are again. It's 1:25am in the morning. Life is still slow and I haven't done much with my future. I'm having one of those "lack of appetite" phases. And sadly, it's gotten me very irritable.

So, time to write yet another melancholic entry in my life. To my future self when you read this, I hope you're happy cuz being in this situation is absolutely terrible. So let's talk about Yeri... According to the title, she's the one that I want to vent out about. This is a girl who I know had feelings for me. At the time, I didn't feel the same way for her. But it was relatively cute to see how self conscious she was all the time when ever we talked. And she always responded to my emails with great alacrity.

However, for the past two-three months, she's been increasingly busy. And worse yet, she no longer has feelings for me. I never realized how sad this would make me feel. I think about the saying, "you don't know what something is worth until you've lost it." I only get emails from her once every one-three months... And it made me realize how much I liked reading her emails. And if I were truly honest with myself, my heart is starting to develop feelings for her but my mind is adamant that I couldn't be happy with a girl like her.

When I realized how flimsy the foundation of my friendship with Yeri was, I immediately thought of Shammy. Shammy is the type of girl that befriends guys very easily. Unfortunately, a bunch of these guys end up falling for her despite Shammy just wanting a pure friendship. When these guys realized that they will never get past the friend zone, they drop her like a bad habit even though Shammy finds them genuinely interesting. And now, I too can empathize with Shammy's feelings. I gotta admit that it feels terrible. I'm definitely not happy that my friendship with someone is fading just because it was based on a silly school girl crush.

My facebook chatter with Yeri is no longer the same. We don't infinitely banter back and forth anymore. She never really sticks around facebook chat either when I try to reach her. To be honest, I sort of wish I could just remove her from my facebook friend's list. I really don't like thinking about this and it'd help if I put her out of sight and out of mind for a couple of months.

I start to reflect on my own friendships. There were certainly people that I've had crushes on... But did I abandon my friendship with them when my crush for them subsided? The first girl that comes to mind is Tara... But once I stopped talking to her, she never did initiate conversation with me after that. Heh, can you believe that I gave up talking to her for Lent? Hah. If I remember correctly, she talked to me only one time during that period. The last time I lost a friend due to a faded crush feeling was Emily Jane. It seems that Emily Jane is out somewhere in Oklahoma. She has a bf and is working as a dentist; hopefully to make all the money she spent on student loans.

You know, I don't think I even want a birthday gift from Yeri this year. But I know her, and she'll buy me one out of principle. I just feel... That my friendship with her is so flimsy that I couldn't possibly be happy with any gift she could give me. I wouldn't go so far as to call our friendship fake... But our friendship is definitely not what I originally thought it was.

As the night breeze caresses my skin on this melancholic evening, I think about the one thing I want from Yeri. The one thing I've always wanted from her: time. All I've ever wanted from her is her time. And I will never get that from her...