I'm Still Lost

Fuck man. I feel lost, overwhelmed, and upset. This whole game of life simply confounds me. I really need to apply for a grad school... But I find myself more and more disappointed with myself as I practice for the GMAT. I currently looked up the letters of recommendation and I thought that all I'd need is two generic ones that I can send to schools. But I just found out that some school have this complicated-ass online application that I have to teach my references to use. It doesn't help that I'm technically not working full time. And that one of my references is not professional.

All this is seriously starting to make me feel that I should finally make my facebook real. As in, put my real name on it. When I first started facebook again a couple years back, I really wanted to avoid people from UCI and people from GL. They didn't give a shit about me and I was in no mood of being their fake friends on facebook. But you know what, no one from either of those groups has attempted to find me at all. So it may be safe to put my real name on facebook once again even though I don't want to. But at the same time, I want a page where I can say whatever shit that I want. I enjoy that freedom with my Twitter and secret facebook.

Ugh! All in all, I feel like my life has fallen apart and I don't know how to fix it. Chie asked me earlier today if I've ever been truly in love. And you know, that question truly stumped me. I do know for a fact that I have no idea what true happiness is like these days. In my mind, I feel that finding true love would in fact make me happy but I also know that being in love and being happy are two different things. It was then that I realized that I don't think I've ever truly been in love with someone and have that feeling reciprocated.

Maybe being in these dark thoughts by myself is making me see my situation much worse than it really is. Hanging out with Shammy and Sable... They make it sound like my situation is so optimistic. Sable is happy that I'm trying to go somewhere with my life with an MBA. Shammy reassured me that I'm not "lost in being lost." She told me that once I get the ball rolling that things will slowly start to fall in place... And man, I don't know... I definitely don't see it that way. I feel like I'm squandering too much of my time away because I don't have motivation to do work. I fucking hate the American education system and I recognize how fucking useless the GMAT and GRE is which makes it hard to study for. I feel like I should have got this all done much sooner. And yet here I am and I feel like I haven't made much progress. I feel like there's so much more I need to do to apply for grad school. And for the first time in my life, I'm scared of getting rejected by schools because I actually care about the schools I want to go to.

I'm still really upset that Yeri doesn't talk to me as much as she used to. If Chie didn't enter my life at the time she had, I think this Yeri problem would have just gotten worse. I dunno. I feel like I just wanna move on and put her behind my life already. But I really have no other lady friend to fall on besides Chie. My lack of a social circle of ladies has been aggravating as I have no one to vent out to. Chie will only be in my life for so long before she gets sick of me.

....I just truly want to believe in Shammy. Believe that everything will indeed fall in place. That I'll get my applications in by Nov 1 and I'll get accepted into a school. Believe that perhaps I can get a real job. A real full-time job.

...

I'm going over my head of what else sucks right now... There's no good games to play these days... I've been having a lack of appetite... I'm getting fatter and more out of shape despite going to the gym on an average of three times a week... And there's definitely more little things that I can complain of but they're not worth it.

I just want everything... To fall in place...