Trapped

Anyway, I find that my titles for my blogs are terrible. I really try to stick with the theme but there are so many other things I’d like to talk about… It’s because I think about what I want to write and then form a title. But once I start writing, I write about extra stuff in addition to the things I’ve thought about writing. Ugh, so yes… Another negative entry. I looked over my last blog in a vain attempt to avoid saying the same negative shit all over again.

So… What I want to talk about is this feeling of being trapped for the past nine years. And yes, I’ve alluded to this in several past entries… The feeling of trapped is still there… I’ve been essentially trapped by my own fears and my own excuses. This takes me back to my cousin Brian. I remember when I used to hang out with him in high school, I always felt that he was the one person always holding himself back. I’d notice that he’d want to do things or want to do things, but could never muster the courage to do it himself. I always thought it was stupid and that he should just go out there and try some times. And now that I think really look at myself these past nine years, I feel that I could truly empathize with my cousin.

This fear… Is truly strong. And the excuses I make for myself… Are really just half-assed excuses; the same ones Brian used to make. They’re good enough to dissuade myself from doing something that I really want to do. For instance… I really hate going downstairs and cooking when there are people in the kitchen. I hate having to move around them… And I hate being asked what I’m doing with my life. Another example is that I don’t randomly talk to women even though I want a girlfriend. Thanks to the awesome advice of Simple Pickup, I realize that I talk to girls in the same fashion that they do; only that I friend zone them. Well, the reason I don’t talk to random women is cuz I’m ashamed that I still live with my parents. And deep down, I would like the option of inviting them over my own personal house. I wanna talk about stupid shit; the same stuff I used to talk about in high school… But I feel like I can’t do it with education co-workers or around some of the random people I meet at social gatherings.

Ugh, it’s these excuses and fear that chain me down. I chain myself down. I keep telling myself that I need to move out. I want to be able to do everything on my own. I want to make my own system. I’m tired of having to follow my parents’ system. I wanna do my own laundry. I want to take out my own trash. I want to be able to place napkins where they’re convenient. I want to be as messy as I want to and clean whenever I want to. I can only do this if I move out. I keep telling myself, once I move out… I can start doing all this stuff I want to do. Things such as talking to a bunch of random women. Also, buying food with the purpose of cooking it. Essentially, I feel like I need to have a “certain something” before I can carry out the actions I want to do… This is basically an excuse since I should be doing what I want to begin with.

The more I write about this state of fear I’m in, the harder it gets for me to actually describe it. I feel the need to learn how to dance; to let myself go. But I tell myself that I need to find some hip hop dance class. I’m like… Holding myself back in so many ways and it’s so hard to break out of it. Even now, I tell myself that I will break free and remake myself once I either go to grad school or go teach abroad.

I gotta say that I regret taking up this teaching job. I know I said this in the last post, but a world of self doubt is starting to fill within me… The reason I didn’t want to teach for a long time was cuz student teaching went horribly wrong for me. I told myself that the next time I’d teach is when I decide to teach English overseas. In my desperation for a job, I took up this tutoring job… And I gotta say that I had a bad day with some kindergarteners today. The thing is… That they’re rebels and I got one bad apple in that class that’s making it exponentially harder to run the class. Now that I think of it, I think it’s cuz of her dumb ass that’s giving the other kids the courage to disobey. I know full well that I don’t have control of that class and it’s only gonna get worse in the upcoming weeks. Even there I feel trapped cuz I have no idea how to punish them. I remember I used to think that it was sad when kids in the old days would get hit by teachers by like, rulers or something. Now, I’m seriously starting to wish that sort of punishment was allowed in schools today. I remember in job training that they said that the concept of respect is being lost since there are a lot of single parent homes; or homes where the parents are rarely there. I feel trapped in this class because I’m not sure how to punish these kids. If I were a normal teacher, I could just put the kids in time out, send them to the principle, or give them a red card. With this job, I need to have all the kids in front of me at all times. Just thinking about it fills me with frustration.

I always thought that if I taught overseas, that I’d do it for one year… After today… I think it’s safe to say that I should just try to do one semester first. And gah, I hate it. I hate this fear that this tutor job is instilling me. If I had it my way, I’d quit right now and start searching for a new job. I’m starting to seriously wonder if teaching really isn’t for me. Now that I think of it… I really regretted picking up that Monday job… I wish I could say that I’m glad that I got to try out a new experience… But honestly, all I feel is regret that I did this in the first place. And hence, the theme… Trapped. I’m trapped in this job for another five weeks. I’m starting to be filled with a fear that I may experience this when I teach overseas… And man, that would suck. I feel like I should write more, but I don’t know what else to say without repeating myself.

Oh, I remember what I wanted to talk about… I wonder if I have some sort of subconscious high expectation about a job. Back when I volunteered for church, I gotta say that I loved every minute of it. There wasn’t really a day where I felt it was horrible. I quit the whole church thing cuz I lost my faith in god… And when I worked in Squeenix, I gotta say that I totally loved it… However, the last two projects left a bad taste in my mouth; maybe I’m just tired of doing ESRB. What I’m trying to say is that I want a job that I enjoy going to everyday. Or even, something I wouldn’t mind getting up for and going to. If I can look forward to at least an average day every time I go to a job, I think I could be okay with that. But with teaching… I have too much of a hate/love relationship with it. Sometimes it goes better than expected. Sometimes, it goes by just fine… And sometimes, like today, it just goes horrible. And it’s this constant roller coaster that I hate.  Everyone is bound to have bad days at work… But I feel it happens too often when I’m at this job. It really makes teaching overseas look less attractive.

Well, I’m tired so I’m gonna stop here.

Finding the Right Job

I remember when Chie asked me why I don't write in my blog all the time. She asked if I didn't have the time for it. I told her the truth: it's because I have nothing really positive to say. Personally, I just think it's lame to have consistent, negative blog posts all the time. My deleted Tumblr felt like that... Deep down, I want to talk about something positive; be super excited about something and look forward to it... But I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm not happy with my life... And I feel I won't be happy until I get a reliable girlfriend, a stable job, and when I'm living on my own.

I thought the next time I'd write here was when I found a job so that I can talk about something positive for a change. Well... I did pick up a new job. It's in an after school tutor program. Part of me is afraid to write the name of the company since job training made me re-realize that all the negative things you say on the internet will come back to haunt you. I learned this the hard way with my interview with Blizzard several months ago... Now, I try to say all my negative things when I feel that I'm anonymous.

Anyway, I really wanted a job in human resources, public relations, editing, or marketing... I've searched for months but still got nothing. I got a few interviews but never got any jobs... So I decided to look into education jobs; even though I didn't want to. I came across a site where they teach video game after school classes. I thought that was awesome. The only negative part was that it was K-8. I prefer teaching high school kids but I thought I should apply anyway. And just my luck... Out of all the jobs I apply to... The first education job I apply to actually interviews me and accepts me.

I wish I could say that I enjoy this job... But I don't... I think it's mainly due to the fact that I have a hard time teaching K-2 graders... I absolutely love the 4th graders though. If I got a choice to teach which kids I wanted, I'd always choose 4th and up. I dunno... I already feel like quitting after these 8 weeks are done... I feel so... Half hearted when I do this. I dread going to these sessions because I feel... Fearful. I don't feel... Prepared. I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't have mastery over any of the classes I'm teaching. If anything, I think I'm doing an average job. There's a part of me that sort of regrets taking up this job. I didn't want an education job until I decided to teach overseas. During my first week of teaching, all the negative feelings I felt when I did student teaching are resurfacing: I'm having a hard time controlling the kids and I feel like I'm not doing the best job. It's a very demoralizing feeling to me.

All these thoughts are making me think that being a teacher may not be cut out for me at all. Deep down, I resent education. I want to teach the youth something REAL. I want to tell them what education really is: a game. It's a stupid game you have to play to get successful in real life. Almost everything I've learned in school has not directly helped me in getting a job. I got my BA 5 years ago and I still  have not landed a full time job. Yes, I've worked as a quality assurance tester and I do work as a blog writer as well, but those are just unstable and not very profitable. Yeah, I spent 2009-2011 doing the credential program but in the end, I realized that the American education system is just really shitty. Like I said earlier, I want to teach kids something real; something useful... Like life lessons. Ironically enough, things that were taught by GTO. Of course, he'd make a terrible teacher by America's standards... But I think that there's so many more important things to learn than reading Shakespeare, knowing tectonic plate movements, and the Pythagorean Thereom is. You know what I think we should be teaching the youth? We should be teaching the youth how to write a cover letter, how to write a resume, how to research jobs on the internet, how to change oil on your car, how to effectively use public transportation, how to balance a checkbook, etc... You know, REAL life skills. Once we teach kids those important skills first, then we can tell them to read archaic novels...

Maybe if I were a one-on-one tutor... I could teach that... But if I do, that would be opposing the rigid, dumb, American education system... This after school tutoring job is making me think that I should teach overseas for a semester first... I originally wanted to do a whole school year. I'm very excited about the prospect of exploring a new country while getting paid. I'm also excited about the prospect of talking to random women and getting a girlfriend. I missed out on so many girlfriend opportunities in high school and I suffered depression in college... And then I lost half my friends cuz I was a part of a cliquey bullshit church group that abandons its own members when they leave.

I dunno... I need a full time job that I enjoy. Honestly, I really enjoyed working as a quality assurance tester. It was awesome. The people there were awesome and I just loved it. However, the last two projects were so stale and lame that I got tired of quality assurance... It's just too... Unstable. I need a full time job that pays at least $16/hour and I gotta work it 40 hours a week... If anything, I think $18-$20 an hour full time would be the best for me. If I can do that, I should be able to live comfortably.

It's times like these where I wonder if I'm still suffering from depression... It's those times when I wake up and I dread about going to work... Where I have zero motivation... It's been 5 years since I graduated... Yeah, I do know that only 50% of college people graduate... But what use is this fucking BA if I can't even get a fucking job?! Gawd, so many missed opportunities. I wish I could tell the youth what a joke our education is... The truth is, I want to help them learn REAL life stuff; things that help them... Because I failed because education lied to me. Or rather, it didn't technically lie to me... It just taught me all this useless shit thinking that it'd help me rather than telling me how to really help me. Cuz let's face it, if education taught us how to be truly successful, then the American education system would lose money. It doesn't take all these years to teach someone how to get a full time job; I know that for sure.