Finding the Right Job

I remember when Chie asked me why I don't write in my blog all the time. She asked if I didn't have the time for it. I told her the truth: it's because I have nothing really positive to say. Personally, I just think it's lame to have consistent, negative blog posts all the time. My deleted Tumblr felt like that... Deep down, I want to talk about something positive; be super excited about something and look forward to it... But I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm not happy with my life... And I feel I won't be happy until I get a reliable girlfriend, a stable job, and when I'm living on my own.

I thought the next time I'd write here was when I found a job so that I can talk about something positive for a change. Well... I did pick up a new job. It's in an after school tutor program. Part of me is afraid to write the name of the company since job training made me re-realize that all the negative things you say on the internet will come back to haunt you. I learned this the hard way with my interview with Blizzard several months ago... Now, I try to say all my negative things when I feel that I'm anonymous.

Anyway, I really wanted a job in human resources, public relations, editing, or marketing... I've searched for months but still got nothing. I got a few interviews but never got any jobs... So I decided to look into education jobs; even though I didn't want to. I came across a site where they teach video game after school classes. I thought that was awesome. The only negative part was that it was K-8. I prefer teaching high school kids but I thought I should apply anyway. And just my luck... Out of all the jobs I apply to... The first education job I apply to actually interviews me and accepts me.

I wish I could say that I enjoy this job... But I don't... I think it's mainly due to the fact that I have a hard time teaching K-2 graders... I absolutely love the 4th graders though. If I got a choice to teach which kids I wanted, I'd always choose 4th and up. I dunno... I already feel like quitting after these 8 weeks are done... I feel so... Half hearted when I do this. I dread going to these sessions because I feel... Fearful. I don't feel... Prepared. I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't have mastery over any of the classes I'm teaching. If anything, I think I'm doing an average job. There's a part of me that sort of regrets taking up this job. I didn't want an education job until I decided to teach overseas. During my first week of teaching, all the negative feelings I felt when I did student teaching are resurfacing: I'm having a hard time controlling the kids and I feel like I'm not doing the best job. It's a very demoralizing feeling to me.

All these thoughts are making me think that being a teacher may not be cut out for me at all. Deep down, I resent education. I want to teach the youth something REAL. I want to tell them what education really is: a game. It's a stupid game you have to play to get successful in real life. Almost everything I've learned in school has not directly helped me in getting a job. I got my BA 5 years ago and I still  have not landed a full time job. Yes, I've worked as a quality assurance tester and I do work as a blog writer as well, but those are just unstable and not very profitable. Yeah, I spent 2009-2011 doing the credential program but in the end, I realized that the American education system is just really shitty. Like I said earlier, I want to teach kids something real; something useful... Like life lessons. Ironically enough, things that were taught by GTO. Of course, he'd make a terrible teacher by America's standards... But I think that there's so many more important things to learn than reading Shakespeare, knowing tectonic plate movements, and the Pythagorean Thereom is. You know what I think we should be teaching the youth? We should be teaching the youth how to write a cover letter, how to write a resume, how to research jobs on the internet, how to change oil on your car, how to effectively use public transportation, how to balance a checkbook, etc... You know, REAL life skills. Once we teach kids those important skills first, then we can tell them to read archaic novels...

Maybe if I were a one-on-one tutor... I could teach that... But if I do, that would be opposing the rigid, dumb, American education system... This after school tutoring job is making me think that I should teach overseas for a semester first... I originally wanted to do a whole school year. I'm very excited about the prospect of exploring a new country while getting paid. I'm also excited about the prospect of talking to random women and getting a girlfriend. I missed out on so many girlfriend opportunities in high school and I suffered depression in college... And then I lost half my friends cuz I was a part of a cliquey bullshit church group that abandons its own members when they leave.

I dunno... I need a full time job that I enjoy. Honestly, I really enjoyed working as a quality assurance tester. It was awesome. The people there were awesome and I just loved it. However, the last two projects were so stale and lame that I got tired of quality assurance... It's just too... Unstable. I need a full time job that pays at least $16/hour and I gotta work it 40 hours a week... If anything, I think $18-$20 an hour full time would be the best for me. If I can do that, I should be able to live comfortably.

It's times like these where I wonder if I'm still suffering from depression... It's those times when I wake up and I dread about going to work... Where I have zero motivation... It's been 5 years since I graduated... Yeah, I do know that only 50% of college people graduate... But what use is this fucking BA if I can't even get a fucking job?! Gawd, so many missed opportunities. I wish I could tell the youth what a joke our education is... The truth is, I want to help them learn REAL life stuff; things that help them... Because I failed because education lied to me. Or rather, it didn't technically lie to me... It just taught me all this useless shit thinking that it'd help me rather than telling me how to really help me. Cuz let's face it, if education taught us how to be truly successful, then the American education system would lose money. It doesn't take all these years to teach someone how to get a full time job; I know that for sure.