Befriending Strangers

When you're out of college and you don't work full time, making new friends is difficult... Or even worse, maybe you're sick and tired of the people you work with.

I want to go back to school for two major reasons. 1) To attempt to have a social life... To essentially do all the things that I failed to do during my undergrad years. 2) To make a last ditch effort at using education to land me a job. Quite honestly, I absolutely abhor education. It's really gotten me nowhere in life and I greatly resent it.

So lately... Every now and then, I'd find some stranger online to talk to. Usually I use my Yelp account to look for people with similar interests to mine and befriend them. It wasn't until recently that I started directly messaging certain people on my friend's list. I was able to have a back and forth conversation with a nice girl named Tammy. But after awhile, she just grew too busy to respond to me anymore. Sadly, I've stopped really talking to Simon as well. I tell myself I should really strike up another conversation with that guy.

I was captivated by a song on the AtlusxP5 youtube site called "Fallin' For You." I could make out some of the English lyrics, but I began to wonder if anyone out there had the actual lyrics for that song or any other song from that fansite. For whatever reason, my google search led to a tumblr Persona 5 tag. As I scrolled down looking for the lyrics, I saw a post that depicted a crying person and the caption was something along the lines of "Me waiting for Persona 5." That made me re-realize how badly I wanted Persona 5 as well. I browsed through the person's site and found her to be relatively intriguing. I would have simply followed her and leave questions every now and then in her ask box... But I saw a link that led me to her AIM. And you know, what do I have to lose? Either I make a friend or I get her to hate me. I'm never gonna see this girl since we live so far from each other.

And well, what do you know. She was nice enough to accommodate me. I was able to have quite a fruitful conversation with her that night and I thought that perhaps I finally befriended a stranger. I still think it's ironically funny that I resembled her ex-boyfriend. What are the chances that I have the same name as him and same characteristics. Now that I think of it... I don't see how he could have let go of such an amiable and beautiful girl like her to begin with. It does look like she doesn't want to remember that guy for whatever reason; but I surely would love to know the backstory to that someday.... Heh, someday. Most likely not.

I have to say, talking to her these past few days has been... Really nice. And refreshing. I haven't had a solid lady friend on AIM in years. But who knows? Maybe this friendship will be as short lived as the ones I've had with most of the strangers that I've tried to talk to. *sigh* I hope not though; I have so much common with her. Oh, I should mention that her name is Koya. However, I really don't like that name. Well, I don't mind calling her that through texts and such... But if I were ever to talk to her on Skype or through the phone, I would simply not like saying the word "Koya." It sounds way too much like "kuya" which means "older brother." So yesterday, I decided to call her Chie due to the fact that she's a bit tomboyish, athletic, and a lover of the Persona series. I do feel a bit guilty though cuz I gave another girl that nickname a long time ago... But I will never see that girl ever again so I think it's safe for me to pass on this nickname to this new girl.

But you know, I have a secret fantasy about being the soundboard for a complete stranger. I want to be that person that listens to all the personal issues of a stranger. I absolutely love personal stories and though I love the guy friends I have... Guys just aren't the sort of species that share their personal stories with other guys. The only way for me to get those personal stories are through lady friends. To this day, I keep wishing that I could meet someone who has the same outlook on their personal life... Essentially, I want to meet someone who says, "You can ask me any personal question you want. I don't mind." I tell that to everyone who's willing to be my friend. Not a single person has taken advantage of it to this day which depresses me. I actually like it when people ask me personal questions. I'm also reminded of a story Shammy shared with me... Where a lot of people call sex hotlines just to vent out their frustrations rather than actually have phone sex. That's just so depressing to me... That these people feel that they have no friends or family that they can vent out to... They just end up using their money to call a random stranger just to lay all their problems on that stranger. To be honest, I kind wish Chie would treat me this way... Or you know, any stranger really. I wish they would view me as a guy who will never see them anyway and perceive me as a safe person to vent out all their troubles to. *sigh* Wishful daydreaming.......

Chie looks strangely familiar to me though. After I thought about it a bit, she looks like a much more attractive (and athletic too) version of my friend's ex. See, at least we remind each other of some sort of ex.  I also gotta admit that I'm impressed (and shocked really) by her conversation skills. Most strangers I talk to have average listening/talking skillz. I've cum to expect this from most people I talk to these days so it does make me raise and eyebrow when I see someone who exhibits an above-average skill. Right now, she's the only person who will actively ask me the same exact questions that I ask her. You'd think that this'd be an easy thing to do when you're talking to someone... But oddly, she's the only person in my life who does that. Strange.

Chie also arrived in my life at an opportune time. Just by talking to her, I naturally forget about my fragile friendship with Yeri. It also gives me hope that I can eventually find and connect to other strangers out there who have similar interests to me. I thought that this Blogger would be a great place to find other journals and read them. But I just have no clue how to use this contraption. I'm finally glad to be rid of my Tumblr but I think Blogger is no better if I can't figure out how to find people on this darn thing. Hm, I remembered that I requested her to send me some songs. But my email box is empty. Guess she forgot. *sigh* That depresses me for some reason... But at the same time, it's quite understandable and I really shouldn't feel so down about it. I can always remind her later.

Well... Chie/Koya/whatever you want to be called... It was cuz of this song that I found you and in my heart of hearts, I hope we become really good friends.

Crushes Are a Weak Foundation for Friendship

So here we are again. It's 1:25am in the morning. Life is still slow and I haven't done much with my future. I'm having one of those "lack of appetite" phases. And sadly, it's gotten me very irritable.

So, time to write yet another melancholic entry in my life. To my future self when you read this, I hope you're happy cuz being in this situation is absolutely terrible. So let's talk about Yeri... According to the title, she's the one that I want to vent out about. This is a girl who I know had feelings for me. At the time, I didn't feel the same way for her. But it was relatively cute to see how self conscious she was all the time when ever we talked. And she always responded to my emails with great alacrity.

However, for the past two-three months, she's been increasingly busy. And worse yet, she no longer has feelings for me. I never realized how sad this would make me feel. I think about the saying, "you don't know what something is worth until you've lost it." I only get emails from her once every one-three months... And it made me realize how much I liked reading her emails. And if I were truly honest with myself, my heart is starting to develop feelings for her but my mind is adamant that I couldn't be happy with a girl like her.

When I realized how flimsy the foundation of my friendship with Yeri was, I immediately thought of Shammy. Shammy is the type of girl that befriends guys very easily. Unfortunately, a bunch of these guys end up falling for her despite Shammy just wanting a pure friendship. When these guys realized that they will never get past the friend zone, they drop her like a bad habit even though Shammy finds them genuinely interesting. And now, I too can empathize with Shammy's feelings. I gotta admit that it feels terrible. I'm definitely not happy that my friendship with someone is fading just because it was based on a silly school girl crush.

My facebook chatter with Yeri is no longer the same. We don't infinitely banter back and forth anymore. She never really sticks around facebook chat either when I try to reach her. To be honest, I sort of wish I could just remove her from my facebook friend's list. I really don't like thinking about this and it'd help if I put her out of sight and out of mind for a couple of months.

I start to reflect on my own friendships. There were certainly people that I've had crushes on... But did I abandon my friendship with them when my crush for them subsided? The first girl that comes to mind is Tara... But once I stopped talking to her, she never did initiate conversation with me after that. Heh, can you believe that I gave up talking to her for Lent? Hah. If I remember correctly, she talked to me only one time during that period. The last time I lost a friend due to a faded crush feeling was Emily Jane. It seems that Emily Jane is out somewhere in Oklahoma. She has a bf and is working as a dentist; hopefully to make all the money she spent on student loans.

You know, I don't think I even want a birthday gift from Yeri this year. But I know her, and she'll buy me one out of principle. I just feel... That my friendship with her is so flimsy that I couldn't possibly be happy with any gift she could give me. I wouldn't go so far as to call our friendship fake... But our friendship is definitely not what I originally thought it was.

As the night breeze caresses my skin on this melancholic evening, I think about the one thing I want from Yeri. The one thing I've always wanted from her: time. All I've ever wanted from her is her time. And I will never get that from her...

Strangers Are Friends Waiting to Happen

Gah... How do I use this Blogger thingamajig...? It's been so long since I've actually used a blog site....? Well, I'm lazy... But I'll figure out how to use this one of these days...

In any case... I'd like to state that there are two main reasons I wanted to create this. Well, the first reason is cuz one of my hobbies is reading about the personal lives of other people. I specifically like reading the personal blogs of my friends... But none of them have a public blog that I have access to. Recently, I was looking at certain blogs and I had a smashing time just reading their personal lives and soaking in the sunshine that is their lives... Well, it's not really sunshine cuz most people use their blogs to vent out most of their frustrations with the world. But I suppose it's sunshine to me since I love seeing the deep issues that people ponder about that help them become who they are. What I'm trying to say is that I truly believe that strangers are friends waiting to happen. As a person who doesn't mind randomly talking to new people, I feel like I can use this site to check out other people's lives and cheer them on in their journey to make something of themselves. Cuz honestly, there are some really cool and interesting people out there... And deep down, I want to be their friends in real life. But realistically, that will never happen so the next best thing is to stalk their blog lives and tell them that I think they're cool.

And the second reason is that I generally like looking back on my own personal blogs to see what I've written. Right now, I'm still stuck in a terrible rut. I'm jobless (well, I work contract) and not in school... And as I've seen Tasteless say, it's sooooooo difficult to meet new people if you're not in school or don't have a job.

And if anyone random is reading this, can you give me tips on how to use this Blogger site...

-Cipher

P.S. Hello.