Academics: I Don't Want To Rely on Anyone

So this title is already an odd one for someone like me. For the past years, my happiness has always depended on my interactions with other people. I suppose you could say it's an innate weakness of being an extrovert...

I haven't taken a class since fall of 2010. Now I'm looking to get a masters in something that I know almost nothing about: business. I decided that it was time to look up the schools I wanted to get into and see their admission requirements. When I read about what I need for letters of recommendation... I cringed. That part of the application process really bothers me...

I gotta say that I get the jitters when thinking about asking someone to write a letter of recommendation for me... Maybe it's because deep down, I know the truth about myself... And the truth is that I don't have a positive reason for getting this MBA. The truth of the matter is that I want to be a part of the video game industry and I feel that getting into the business side of things would be the best way to be a part of the video game industry. Also, I feel that an MBA gives me so much more options on the career market than a masters in psychology would. Not only do I have a legitimate shot at being part of the video game industry, I have a shot at getting other business related jobs if the whole video game industry thing failed. I don't have any specific plan as to how to do this. The reason being is that I technically have zero business experience.

All these years I've been looking for new people to share my thoughts with... To spend time with... Now, for once, I don't want anyone's help. Just looking at these MBA websites filled my heart with much trepidation. There's really no one in my life right now who could vouch for my leadership potential. There is a few people... But those people disappeared from my life and I left theirs... They flat out abandoned me and I'm still pissed at them for dropping our friendship the way they did. And damn my pride... My pride won't allow me to talk to those people cuz all I'd want is a letter of recommendation. Is it worth it? Right now, I have a supervisor who doesn't know of my leadership potential, a really good friend who's never been my supervisor, and a professor who knew me in 2008. There's no way I could use my professors in my credential program... I quit that program and ran away from it... I'm sure that'll look bad on my application. In fact, everything I have on my application is gonna be below-average and I'm applying to above-average programs. It's a scary thought.

When it comes to academics, I don't want anyone's help. That's the way I've always been... I don't like it when my grade hinges on group members... And I don't like feeling responsible for the grades of group members. I don't want my bad habits to hinder someone else's grades and vice versa. My grades are my own responsibility. I want to be able to look at a grade and say that it was I who earned that grade and I alone. I'm realizing that an MBA is going to require a lot of group work; something that I'm not a fan of. All of this is gonna be new and all of this is gonna test me and challenge me. However, the first part is even getting into a program.

I wish I didn't need letters of recommendation. I wish it was just my resume, essays, GPA, and GMAT/GRE score... I feel that the letters of recommendation would only weaken me because I have not worked at a full time job... Specifically a full time job that has anything to do with business. Yeah, I worked at Usana and marketed health products but that was network marketing. That was not a "real" job so to speak. And quite frankly, I was babied the entire time I was there. I hardly made any decisions for myself and I always felt at a loss. I went to meetings consistently, but I don't think I achieved anything on my own while there...

This whole process is nauseating. I have no idea how to secure a job in the business field considering that I have no experience and my major/minor has nothing to do with business. I have sent my resume to a plethora of places. I got interviewed by two game companies and I didn't make it. I got called by a handful of scam companies too. I really wish that I graduated at the time Bill Clinton was President... Would I have a job now? Would I actually be working full time? I am stuck in a depression in both senses of the word; I'm not happy with my life and the economic depression is affecting my chances of getting a job.

It doesn't help that I don't have a true passion for anything... I find myself trying to find new things to do... And when I do them... I find out that they're more work than I had thought and I get very discouraged and upset about it. I have the "Ugh, I don't wanna do all this work" attitude towards stuff such as writing, voice acting, and even dancing. But the reality is that you need to do hard work in order to succeed at something. I've spent most of my life doing stuff that was relatively easy for me cuz it was natural to me. Succeeding in high school was easy. College definitely took a lot more work and I worked hard at it but only cuz being a student was something natural to me... I guess what I'm really saying is that I want to do something that requires the least amount of work for the biggest amount of payout. In essence, if I want to do something, I guess I just don't want it to feel like "work." I think back to my time in Drama Lab... Where learning lines and memorizing stage cues was actually work... But all of it was very fun and came natural to me, hence why it didn't feel like work at all. Deep down, I'm spoiled because I've been looking for that sort of environment for years and years and I have not found it. The fact of the matter is that "easy" environment rarely exists in the real world.

Ugh, now I'm just rambling on and on. I always have lots of thoughts stored up in me... And what I thought was gonna be a simple three paragraph blog about how I don't want to rely on anyone at school turns out to be another jumbled, garbled up rant about my pathetic life. Ugh... I swear... For the past 5 years, I've had nothing but negative blogs. And quite honestly, I look forward to the day where I can sit down and write a blog where I can genuinely say that I'm happy about my life and where it's headed. I'm scared that even if I get a gf, that I'd still be unhappy because I've been unhappy for soooooo long.

I Feel Sick in my Stomach

You know those moments where you yell out and scream stuff on the internet space... And you're confident that only a few people actually only read that sort of stuff. You know, using the internet as a space for you to let go and yell out your frustrations... Akin to sort of screaming out loud in public. Then you find out that there are some important people who saw those screams of anger and they let you know that they saw it.

How very awkward. Well, I know now how popular people feel when they post an ill advised tweet or facebook post. Even if it isn't that bad, it can be largely misconstrued. Even then, so many people see it and they get flak for it. For me, I just think that I'm just some random guy on the internet just like a majority of people here. So whatever crap I have to say, whether good or bad, won't be analyzed. So I go ahead and say stuff when I get emotional, not expecting it to bite me in the ass later on.

Right now, I just... Wanna disappear. No, not die or anything like that. But I just feel so sick to my stomach that I just wanna be away from everything right now. From here on out, I can't say all the negative thoughts I have out loud on this internet space anymore. It really just comes back to bite me. It reminds me of how I tend to write in secret and use secret aliases. It just makes me want to do that even more; to not put out my real name out there. Ugh.

I Love You Rosemariae

Alright, this is a shoutout post to a wonderful girl named Rosemariae. You will most likely never know who I am or ever read this post. I was an old acquaintance of yours back around six years ago. I gotta say that I had a schoolboy crush on you and I still think you're beautiful. I'm fairly sure we were part of the same group for a retreat... Fairly sure. Either way, I tried to be friends with you but I don't think you liked me.

I told some other people that I don't think you like me and it turns out that they could relate to me as well. Both Steve and Tony told me that they've been rejected by you as well. So we started a little mini-fan club in your honor called the Rosemariae Hates Me Club. Hahahaha! In this fan club, we would talk about how much you hated us. Every time we saw you, we always tried to get your attention and your love but we always failed. =P

It's a darn shame we couldn't be friends in the past and perhaps we never will. I just want to let you know that you are a very good sport on your Tumblr... Totally opposite of Arianne who is nothing but an uptight bitch. If you don't want people asking you questions, then disable it on your Tumblr. What a dumbass... In any case, I've made it a habit of mine to ask you one question every day.

Personally, I love your Tumblr page. I quit Tumblr mainly cuz I got sick of it and cuz I didn't want people like Chie reading my darkest thoughts for free (I much prefer it that she and all my other friends ask me personal questions which I will gladly answer rather than give away my thoughts for free). Tumblr is nothing but a glorified Twitter where people do nothing but reblog and reblog. It sickens me. It's like these people have no voice of their own and they need to result in reblogging because they don't have the balls to speak their own mind or whatever. Rosemariae, I admire how your page is more about your voice rather than being a stupid mechanical machine that does nothing but reblog all the time. It's fun to read.

I recently made you laugh with a question about frosting a cake with your own butt. I had no idea that you'd find it funny. And it's good to know that you can have a good time with all the random questions that I've thrown at you and will continue to throw at you. Knowing that I've made you laugh brings a genuine smile to my face. I gotta say... It feels good to make someone else feels good. The sad truth is that we probably couldn't be good friends even if we wanted to. We don't really have any similarities and we live far from each other. But I just wanna say that as long as you're not an uptight bitch like Arianne, that I will continue to hold you dear in my heart.

I'm Still Lost

Fuck man. I feel lost, overwhelmed, and upset. This whole game of life simply confounds me. I really need to apply for a grad school... But I find myself more and more disappointed with myself as I practice for the GMAT. I currently looked up the letters of recommendation and I thought that all I'd need is two generic ones that I can send to schools. But I just found out that some school have this complicated-ass online application that I have to teach my references to use. It doesn't help that I'm technically not working full time. And that one of my references is not professional.

All this is seriously starting to make me feel that I should finally make my facebook real. As in, put my real name on it. When I first started facebook again a couple years back, I really wanted to avoid people from UCI and people from GL. They didn't give a shit about me and I was in no mood of being their fake friends on facebook. But you know what, no one from either of those groups has attempted to find me at all. So it may be safe to put my real name on facebook once again even though I don't want to. But at the same time, I want a page where I can say whatever shit that I want. I enjoy that freedom with my Twitter and secret facebook.

Ugh! All in all, I feel like my life has fallen apart and I don't know how to fix it. Chie asked me earlier today if I've ever been truly in love. And you know, that question truly stumped me. I do know for a fact that I have no idea what true happiness is like these days. In my mind, I feel that finding true love would in fact make me happy but I also know that being in love and being happy are two different things. It was then that I realized that I don't think I've ever truly been in love with someone and have that feeling reciprocated.

Maybe being in these dark thoughts by myself is making me see my situation much worse than it really is. Hanging out with Shammy and Sable... They make it sound like my situation is so optimistic. Sable is happy that I'm trying to go somewhere with my life with an MBA. Shammy reassured me that I'm not "lost in being lost." She told me that once I get the ball rolling that things will slowly start to fall in place... And man, I don't know... I definitely don't see it that way. I feel like I'm squandering too much of my time away because I don't have motivation to do work. I fucking hate the American education system and I recognize how fucking useless the GMAT and GRE is which makes it hard to study for. I feel like I should have got this all done much sooner. And yet here I am and I feel like I haven't made much progress. I feel like there's so much more I need to do to apply for grad school. And for the first time in my life, I'm scared of getting rejected by schools because I actually care about the schools I want to go to.

I'm still really upset that Yeri doesn't talk to me as much as she used to. If Chie didn't enter my life at the time she had, I think this Yeri problem would have just gotten worse. I dunno. I feel like I just wanna move on and put her behind my life already. But I really have no other lady friend to fall on besides Chie. My lack of a social circle of ladies has been aggravating as I have no one to vent out to. Chie will only be in my life for so long before she gets sick of me.

....I just truly want to believe in Shammy. Believe that everything will indeed fall in place. That I'll get my applications in by Nov 1 and I'll get accepted into a school. Believe that perhaps I can get a real job. A real full-time job.

...

I'm going over my head of what else sucks right now... There's no good games to play these days... I've been having a lack of appetite... I'm getting fatter and more out of shape despite going to the gym on an average of three times a week... And there's definitely more little things that I can complain of but they're not worth it.

I just want everything... To fall in place...